Blog entry for the end of the month.

Me and my mom in Oregon at her house.

The end of October and the beginning of something new. The continuation of something. It’s all scary and new and different and wonderful. Do you know how scary it is to simplify your life? To look at your things – let me personalize this – Do you know how scary it is to look at my things, to visualize my life and realize I don’t need any of this stuff? I have crates and boxes and bags and suitcases full of my life, things I may never look at again. I don’t use it, I can hardly remember I have it, yet it doesn’t disappear.

The last two weeks have been busy. Not in the sense of rushing around doing things, although that’s been happening too, but in the sense of mental activity. I’ve been doing my best to not think, however, with my mind, it’s like telling a sumo wrestler not to eat. A big decision on my mind when I came up to Oregon was where I wanted to stay this winter. Should I stay or should I go? Kept running through my brain, just like the song. Being back in Eugene felt like being home – I lucked out with the weather, and everyone, everything was beautiful. I never realized how many beautiful people live in Eugene – there must be a vortex there – and how many cool businesses are there as well.

My family is also in Eugene. I love my family, but I cannot live with them. It’s something about excess – whenever I’m home I eat too much, buy too much, and stop doing whatever healthy exercises I’ve taken up. In fact, there’s not really room for me at home, a sign to me to freaking make up my mind!

Fortunately, I got a call from Yosemite, telling me I have a job this winter staffing events at the Wellness center for employees, which means I’ll get to know the cool people who choose to spend their lives here in the Park. This turned the tide, and I turned my energy towards a cold, wet, dark winter in a National park with people I’ve just met.

Hmm, that doesn’t sound like such a bright future.

I’m living in a National Park this winter. I’m living in a supportive, enthusiastic community and I’m excited to get to know the people who work here year-round. I think I will eventually end up with Eugene as my home base, but until I’m ready to truly settle, I’m in exploration mode, of myself and my environment. How exciting is that?

What I really plan to work on this winter is myself. (I almost said my knitting projects). I will have a space to meditate and be intertwined with a group of people who make this a part of their daily lives, something I’m learning to do oh-so slowly.

And, I’ll have time to design knit projects, since I’ll only be working part-time. How cool is that?

Things I have to admit to: These are things I figured out during my meditation retreat.

I don’t want to write for money – it clouds my mind and changes my motivation. I write for self-exploration and for my own enjoyment, but not to please anyone else.

And…

I climb for the same reasons of self-exploration and enjoyment, and until I can keep them foremost in my mind instead of satisfying my ego, I’m not climbing either. Unless I’m invited out for a leisurely day…who knows.

I’m going to let things happen. I will not force things; I’m not going to demand or make goals or do anything of the sort. I will let life happen to me, and take the routes presented to me, and be happy.

Be happy! That is the key.

Meditation Reflections

Has it really been a month that I've been at a meditation retreat?

Silly question. Yes, I've been at the North Fork Mahavana Vipassana Center for the last month, first to sit (for over one hundred hours, according to our rigorous meditation schedule) and then to serve a ten-day course.

Why am I giving away my labor, you ask?

I asked myself the same question the day I signed on to be a server (the last day of my sit) and again in the middle of my service when I was going through something that made me extremely anti-meditation.

But first things first.

The sit was amazing. Amazingly hard. And painful. Physically painful. I would wake up in the morning with shoulder and back pain, and by the end of the ten days I had constant back pain. What does this have to do with meditation? Well, it seems that my issues, my sankaras as Goenka would call them, manifest as burning, unrelenting pain that starts in my back, along my spine, spreads to my right shoulder blade, my right leg, my right shoulder and after that I had to move and start over.

Ugh.

I realized some things, especially after I started talking on the last day. I tend to exaggerate to try to impress people. I allow the moods of other to influence me, as well as what I perceive to be what they want. For example, I offered a ride to a lady heading to Yosemite, and made sure to tell her that I was being picked up, I didn't know when, but I gave her a time estimate. When my ride didn't show up within that time, I became agitated and annoyed and passed that on to my ride when she did show up.

Ugh.

My group talked a lot about how Goenka annoyed them, how they went through so much emotional stuff. I didn't feel that way, I felt like I was in a lot of pain, and when I allowed myself to really focus on the pain, to get into it, experience it, then memories came up, things I've been holding onto, and I observed myself getting really annoyed