Back to ....Me

So for a while there I felt sheepish about quitting climbing. (I keep telling myself it’s temporary, although I’m more and more ok with not climbing, since lately the only way I’ve felt about it is unhealthily competitive and like I hung my self-esteem on routes.) I didn’t write about it, because, well, I thought you (my reader had expectations. And I had expectations about myself, my climbing, what I Should be doing in Yosemite instead of what I’m actually doing, which, because I’m doing it, is what I’m supposed to be doing in the first place.

Enough of a mouthful. The point is, I’m here, writing, because I like to write, and I’m posting it because a) I might as well get used to folks reading what I write since I’m going to change the world with words, b) If I don’t write the truth then it’s not worth reading anyway and c) going deep is good practice. I know when I read something truly true, something so deep it probably felt like rolling in a blackberry thicket to write it, that I feel a stronger connection to the person, the idea, the situation, and I’m more likely to learn from it.

So what I say is sure, this blog may have been started to chronicle my climbing exploits, to chart my progress toward the “ultimate goal” but I’ve decided to keep it up, because a) I like to write and b) this helps people keep in contact with me because the phone reception down here in the valley isn’t the greatest. Plus I’m spending all my evenings with my new (and very cool) friends, Marina and John. You know those people you meet where you just want to hang out with them all the time because you never know what’s going to happen next? These are that kind of people. Anyhoo, I’m writing this more like an email to all my readers out there because I feel like I need to update ya’ll in the longer-than-a-month hiatus I’ve taken from publishing. (Sure, I’ve been writing, but no one wants to read self-obsessed depressive speak. So I waited until I feel bettah. Here I am!)

What’s been happening to me since I’ve been out of the virtual world? Lots of worldly things, I would say. I’ve been learning the Chen form of TaiJi from John, practicing standing posture, qigong and meditation in the mornings (yes, me, I’m sitting still), getting life advice from Marina, and lots of love from both of them. I went to San Francisco with my dad for a weekend, I watched John get a lesson from his sifu, Mark Wasson, a white guy who lives in Livermore and who waited to hit John really hard until I left the room. Mark really emphasizes power, and as I watched John bouncing across the floor I marveled at his ability to laugh and learn from this ‘lesson.’

The major thing I’ve been dealing with (and here come the deep honesty part) is self love. Or in my case, lack thereof. If I don’t love myself, how can I love anyone else? That is where all love comes from, is the self. I’m so used to ‘pushing’ myself to do better, go harder, to prove myself, to be the strong one, that I’ve forgotten why I like myself, what I like about myself, what there is to like. I don’t like myself a lot of the time. And I don’t even know where to look for self-love. That’s actually pretty scary, not to love yourself.

These last few weeks have been really scary.

That’s partly why I’m going on a Vipassana sit in August or September.

Not to leave you hanging...but I’ve got a 5am meditation class. We’ll see how honest I can stay when I come back to this stuff.