Every moment can be perfect in its imperfection. I am every moment changing, growing, becoming more myself, deciding who I want to be. When I spend a perfect day, it's an experience. When I botch it, when I speed through Curry Store picking out all the vegan junk food which I then speed-consume solo, when I hate myself for putting down my friends; a thousand "when's" - it is a lesson. Granted, one I learn and re-learn daily, hourly, but it does not make or break me. Eating a cookie is not going to kill me. It might even be better that I gave in to the temptation and experienced sugar bliss and sugar crash, because it strengthened my resolve to do better. That's all you can do, right?
Breezy introduced me to the idea of practicing living. I was beating myself up about not doing enough, not making enough progress with my health and happiness, when I was feeling frustrated at being frustrated. Now with the help of Goenka's equanimity, which is observing things as they are without reacting, and Breezy's "practice life" philosophy, I feel much better about everything I choose to do.
And everything is a choice. A conscious choice to an action or non-action - whatever it is, it doesn't matter, what matters is me making the choice. Ah, these decisions!
Everything I do now is a sign of my improvement - the fact that I make conscious choices to eat junk or to read all day. The way I consider what I eat so carefully, who I talk to, how I spend my time, the way I make healthy practices my life - and make a conscious effort not to overextend myself.
Oh, it's hard, and I slip often. I'm finally feeling more energetic and with a clearer head and I want to do something with this. I have a hard time stopping myself from taking a big hike or claiming I want to climb something. The physical exertion and exposure to the cold would take me back to dragging-ass. I feel too good, I like myself too much for that. I'm realizing that I'm here to take care of myself, to love myself as much as I can, as well as I can, so that there will still be ME left when I'm 40 or 50. What's funny is the way I used to be so upset with Dan about using his body up and I didn't consider myself at all. It's true that in comparison, I'm a shining example of health and balance.
But I don't compare myself anymore. One of those changes I'm making.
Back to me and my health, my happiness, and my life practice.
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