Afraid to Climb? Me, too

I have been afraid to climb.

Afraid my body will give out on me like it did in Indian Creek

Afraid I won’t live up to my partner’s expectations

Afraid I’ll end up in something over my head, where I really will get hurt or scared for life.

I’ve been afraid that I don’t like climbing anymore.

So I haven’t been climbing.

Last Tuesday was my last day, the day of the Royal Arches almost-epic.

I didn’t realize or give myself credit, but I did two big routes within three days, Braille Book and Royal Arches, and it worked me.

What I’ve realized is: my expectations are too high for myself. I haven’t given myself time to recover. I haven’t given myself time to get used to the climbing here, I just jumped into it head first (like I always do…) and came up gasping for air.

It’s taken about a week of air for me to want to climb again.

Today I’m headed to Sunnyside Bench for some cragging with Christian and TC, North Carolina guys I met in Camp 4. I’m really looking forward to stuffing my paws into a crack after a week’s hiatus, and I think I’ve got a more realistic outlook on the whole thing. I’m not about to charge up any hard 5.10s or 5.11s, but I’ll be happy to get some pitches in, make it a long day, get some experience, challenge other parts of me besides my pain tolerance, and generally have a good time. That’s what it’s all about, right?

While we’re on the topic of realizations, I figured out that climbing with so many new partners is exhausting. (Duh, Anchen). Gauging their climbing style, speed, efficiencies, safety techniques, and climbing ability is as nerve wracking as leading any old-school 5.8 here in the Valley, and I’ve met so many people, had so many one-route stands, my standards are way down. I’ve decided it’s up to me to stay safe and that means climbing below my limit on well-placed gear. Or bouldering by myself. My new strategy is to find partners who will be around for the whole summer.

I’ve met people who exclusively boulder, crack climb, or who are here only for big walls.

Yosemite takes all kinds.

The majority of employees here party. That’s a nice way of saying they get drunk every night.

Then there are the dedicated few who go out and climb – the community is comparatively small, I expect to know them all by the end of the week. OK, that would be nice. The end of the month, then. A lot of the climbers just come for the summer to make money for the rest of the year. One guy, Alex, (exclusive boulderer) has been coming back for three, four years. He has a circuit in the Valley, goes exploring and does some “gardening” on the boulders with potential, says the bouldering guide maps out maybe a quarter of the boulders in the Valley.

This is what they do. They come back for jobs within a year of leaving to keep their seniority. Then in fall they leave to go surfing or climbing for the rest of the year, and come back in April to repeat the process. Those are the happy employees.

The majority of workers in Yosemite I would not say are happy. I would say they’re overweight alcoholics with attitudes who don’t make me want to stay longer than the three months I signed up for, for fear I might turn into one of them. Especially in the winter months when it’s cold and rainy, when it gets dark by 4 o’clock and the sun dips behind Half Dome even earlier, when the tent-cabins turn into dark clammy dens good only for hibernation.

In lieu of roped climbing I’ve been bouldering. I found a boulder on which I can do two problems over at LeConte, and a fun heel-hook traverse at the Ahwahnee boulders. I hopped onto the start of Cranium Crusher, a V3, and got about one move in – I figure I’ll just try it every time I go by and by the end of the summer I’ll be able to pull two moves – but all the rest of the boulders here remain nameless and gradeless, a status I prefer in my quest to find the easiest problems possible. I think I end up climbing the walk-offs more often than not, but you have to start somewhere. I figure, the more time I spend on the rock the better.

Yesterday I realized that bouldering is a form of meditation. It forces me to be conscious of every movement I make, to accept the consequences and act in spite of them. Bouldering forces me to start small – one or two movements is all I can make on most problems – and build up to finishing. The cool thing is, since I’ve started bouldering, I’ve made progress.