Small Pride, Small Power

Sean introduced me to the concept of Small Pride. Sitting at one of the innumerable pitches yesterday, I can’t remember how it came up. He commented that we’re both small people, and don’t I have Small Pride? I said I’d had a bf who’d made fun of my size, who’d called me “his little honeybee” and used baby talk, who’d mimicked my ‘girl noises’ that escaped when I climbed or hucked a leg to get over a boulder and I’ve bristled at being called small ever since.

“I can do anything you can do, better.”

Remember that song? That’s been my mantra in an effort to prove small doesn’t mean incapable.

I make it a point to show I can take care of myself, that I don’t need anyone’s help, blah blah blah. I’m protective of myself, my abilities, and my independence. I’m learning to accept help from others because they’re not offering out of pity or because they think I can’t do something, it’s out of that old-fashioned desire to help.

Yes, I have Small Pride. I just don’t think of myself as small.

I really don’t.

It surprises me when other people comment, sometimes enviously, about my size, and I’m not sure what to say. It’s like when people comment on the way I climb – Len said the other day he watched me do this pitch and he thought it would be much easier than it was. I can’t help the way I climb, and I’m not sure how to take this – apologize and promise to warn him in future that I’m a misleading climber? I told him I wasn’t sure what to say and he said, “just say thanks.”

I didn’t realize it was a compliment. That’s me, always trying to fix something. A statement without a purpose – the purpose is to express admiration and give pleasure. A reminder to relax and enjoy the moment.

On my two-day sojourn with Jeff into Moab to rest then climb a tower, I told him he’s a good listener and he paused, then said very deliberately, “Thank you.” Then he explained he’s working on accepting compliments. The rest of the time I sprinkled in compliments just to see if he’d do the same thing. I think he caught on at the end, when the “thank you’s” came quicker, a little less deliberately. I think the lesson here is not to take compliments too seriously, not to think of them too much because it’s the same as thinking about yourself too much, it magnifies one aspect that may or may not be true, since it’s from someone else’ perspective and who cares what they think?!

It’s amazing how much I care what other people think of me. I let it affect my mood, my actions, what I say and how I say it. I’m working on being my own person, making my own decisions for my own reasons. It’s a lot of work!

Not many people acknowledge how much work it is to be oneself. Or that it’s any effort at all. Or it could be that I’m an anomaly in the world and everyone else is born with a sense of themselves. Somehow I doubt that. Otherwise, why would mothers tell their children to ‘just be yourself’ ? So what I’m struggling with a lot of people struggle with. Perhaps it’s universal and that’ what ‘coming of age’ novels are all about. I’m just ten years late on this one.

Being small doesn’t mean I have small desires or a small intelligence. I am my own person, not some large child, and just because I’m small (so they tell me, I don’t feel it) doesn’t mean I deserve less of anything. Sure, I’ll take the back seat of the truck every time, I’ll eat less because I need less (this is only a recent development. It used to be I’d eat anyone under the table), I drink less so we can be even (don’t expect me to keep up with you unless you want a mess on your hands), but I’ll carry more and go harder to prove I’m equal. I think of myself as small in body, large in heart and soul. Actually, I don’t think of myself as small, period. I know I am because everyone tells me I’m small and honestly, I wonder who they see when they say that. Is being small person such a big deal? Maybe I try to compensate by acting larger than life.

Nah, I’m just me, sometimes more. When I’m most me, I feel my largest, like I occupy all of my brain, and when I’m uncertain I feel like I shrink until it’s empty up there, no thoughts happening.

Small Pride. I prefer to call it Small Power. I like being small. I fit into a lot of places normal-sized people don’t, I get to climb onto counters to reach tall things, I have an excuse to roll up my pants and I don’t have to pretend that highwaters are still in fashion. I can wear clothes from the kids section, I slip under the radar, I fit into the crook of a shoulder quite nicely, and I get to be the top on human pyramids.